Changing my daughter into some of her clothes recently, I've become increasingly dismayed by the number of our favorite onesies that just don't quite seem to fit as well any more. Sad though it may be, Riley's definitely growing up (and out). Yesterday, with a tautly-clothed baby in one arm, and some old onesies for the donation bin in the other, I thought I'd check in with her and see how she was dealing with the whole process.
Me: Hey, I couldn't help but notice these clothes are getting a little tight on you.
Riley: I'm glad you noticed. I think it's about time for you to invest in some new ones. After all, I did put on almost a pound in the last few weeks.
Me: Pfft, that's nothing. I put on five times that every Thanksgiving, and you don't see me rushing out to pick out a new wardrobe.
Riley: True, but a pound is a full 10% of my body weight. That's not a feat you're likely to match in a long weekend, turkey sandwich binges notwithstanding.
Me: Well, maybe with enough turkey sandwiches. Hmm...
Riley: Plus, I've already done the hard part and scoped out some of our purchases. For example, I was particularly taken by Ralph Lauren's Swiss-Dot dress and a daffodil dress by Anne Geddes.
Me: Oh boy. I think I feel a little woozy.
Riley: Oh, come on. They're pretty reasonably priced. It's not like I'm asking for a bling bling baby rattle or demanded that I only be cleaned from a personalized diaper wipe case. Face it, dad -- sooner or later I'm going to gain an interest in fashion, and you'd be well-served to be prepared for the day it hits full force. Consider this a first "baby step" down this path -- its simply inevitable.
Me: Phew -- it's refreshing to see that I still have a few things left to teach you. Grammatically, it should be "it's inevitable" there, not "its inevitable."
Riley: Wait, you're telling me you could hear the difference between "its" and "it's"?
Me: No, of course not. I read it in the transcript.
Riley: That doesn't make any sense. How could you have made a comment on our conversation based on a transcript that won't be written until the conversation's over?
Me: Well, Ms. Smartypants, maybe I'm transcribing real-time with the conversation. Ever think about that?
Riley: But you indicated quite clearly in the preamble that both your arms were occupied during the conversation, leaving none to transcribe, and further that the conversation took place a day before the transcription.
Me: Hm, good catch. Wait a second -- how could you know what the preamble says if I didn't write it until today?
Riley: You mean "if I'm not going to write it until tomorrow," right?
Me: Err, right. Maybe. I think.
Riley: There definitely seem to be some chronological inconsistencies in this Conversation.
Me: There certainly does.
Riley: Anyway, stop distracting from the conversation at hand. You're going to have to get used to the fact that, though fashion may not be one of your strong suits, it may be one of mine. For better or for worse, you're going to have to accommodate it at points.
Me: Hey, I know fashion -- I've been made to watch complete seasons of Project Runway and America's Next Top Model (by one of your parents who shall remain nameless). Regardless, there is absolutely no way you can convince me to buy an $80 daffodil dress for you. It's just not going to happen, no way, no how.
Riley: But Daaaaaddddyyyy....
Me: Absolutely not. Well, okay.
Me: ...
Me: Wait, how'd that happen?
Riley: Yeah, while you're at it, you might as well get used to that too.
And so, my dreams of being able to get the rest of Riley's clothes from The Salvation Army or the $5 discount bin at Walgreen's (hey, if it's good enough for me...) being crushed, I resigned myself to my fate and packed up some too-small onesies in the hope that they could be of use later. If nothing else, maybe I can staple them all together to make myself a new shirt.
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