A Conversation with my Daughter

The following took place early one afternoon last week. The two of us were alone in the house for some quality father-daughter bonding time while mom was at work providing for her family. Riley had been peacefully sitting awake in her swing, but was starting to become difficult to keep calm.

Me: Okay baby girl, time to quiet down and try to get some sleep.

Riley: That's awfully presumptuous of you, don't you think? How would you even know if it's best for me to be quiet right now? Maybe this is part of my natural development. Maybe I'm forming deep neural connections as I process my surroundings, and while crying is an unpleasant byproduct for you, I can hardly do my job as a baby without it.

Me: Well, I just meant...

Riley: You don't even know why I'm crying, do you?

Me: Hm. Well. Uh. Ah, you're probably hungry! Right?

Riley: Oh, very original, Dad. I make the slightest bit of noise and instead of putting some effort into decoding the signals, let's just save ourselves the effort and put the blame squarely on an empty stomach. Ignoring the fact that you're just not-so-subtly transferring the problem to Mommy's shoulders (or breasts, as the case may be), you know very well I ate less than a hour ago.

Me: Fair point. Then maybe...

Riley: For that matter, you probably don't even have milk for me, do you?

Me: Well...no, I suppose not.

Riley: Odd that your first diagnosis was to proclaim it a situation that you yourself had no means to of resolving. Doesn't seem particularly efficient as far as problem-solving goes.

Me: Okay, okay. You seemed unhappy, and I just wanted to help.

Riley: You got a pacifier?

Me: A pacifier? Sure, tons of them. But the pediatrician seemed to suggest that we shouldn't...

Riley: Yes, yes. Pacifier please, and I'll keep to myself.

(.163 seconds later...)

Me: Deal.

To an outsider, it probably looked a lot more like her wailing her head off and me desperately trying to shush her to sleep, but I suppose interpreting their language is just one of those skills you learn as a new parent.